If you want to kidnap me, feed me dairy

The other day I literally ate two sample 1 cm blocks of cheese and felt like I was about to die. The vendor was all smiles, but secretly he had it out for me. He knew I was asian. He knew I couldn't resist free stuff OR cheese. He was a hitman, that's what he was.

Now, I'm an a very girly stomachache person in that when my stomach starts hurting, I begin to faint. So here I was in the mall with the autistic client I see on the weekends. She's looking at me from her wheelchair, making her self-stimulatory repetitive sounds, and occasionally reaching out her arm to touch innocent passerbys, while I'm behind her, probably pasty white, with my stomach occasionally making noises to signal it's dissatisfaction with my life choices. My mind was starting to get a little cloudy and blurry. I was about to faint, man.

It just sucks. My body seems to think fainting is the perfect solution for all issues. I drank a cup of coffee instead of tea. The solution is fainting. I'm having my period. Perfect reason to faint. I saw a significant amount of blood. Fainting will help with that too. I feel like Frodo in the LOTR movie when he trips over a branch while being chased by the black rider. It's anticlimatic and warrantees the "..." of disappointment. That's the person that going to die if faced with any kind of dangerous circumstance.

So, I'm going to Indonesia soon, which is stomachache capital of the world apparently. I'm arming with myself with enough medication to give me constipation for a month. Pray that I make it out alive.

Gym awkwardness

So, last semester I had to take this class called occupation through the lifespan. We had to look at risk factors and the hallmarks of each milestone in life. The one lesson that I took away from this class was exercise rigorously or else you're going to die of something. Occupational therapy has scared me into exercising.

So, I have a gym membership and am exercising. I don't know how to use ANY of the gym equipment and I need some cardio, so I join these gym classes that incorporate cardio and resistance training. It is absolutely the most hilarious and mortifying thing to be new to a class. If anyone wanted blackmail of me. That was the time to get it.

So, one of the most difficult classes to join is zumba. It is like going to a dance practice, not getting the memo about what the moves are, and no one stopping to teach you. It is every man for himself out there. Everyone just politely tries to pretend they're not seeing you flailing around awkwardly and inappropriately. To add insult to injury, there is a huge mirror on every side, so not only can you witness yourself looking awkward, so can everyone who in the room. Also, your dance instructor is generally someone named Javier, Damien or Guillermo.

Step class is another really crazy one. It involves having this little step stool thing that you kick off of, and jump onto, and do spins off of. It's craziness. The instructor is dancing like she's in a pop video, doing spins and kicks and taps all over the place. And I kid you not, my instructor was wearing leg warmers and a head band. I'm just spinning wherever I want and kicking all over the place. I was determined to get my proper exercise. I was like, "if she's kicking, I'm kicking... no matter where I am." The good thing about this one is that generally everybody is confused, so you're not singled out. Everyone is just like spinning backwards, kicking left and right, and a few seconds behind. I had to leave early for this one because I just couldn't stop cracking up.

So, there you go. The struggle is real. If you really want to join a good gym class and not have to deal with a big learning curve, I really enjoyed Body Combat and Cycling. And... I'll pretty much stick to that now.